36 Hours

As I sit here tonight all I can think about is how drastically our lives will be changing in just 36 hours. Today was a day of so many emotions. At approximately 10 a.m. on Friday morning we will welcome Luke and Gabriel into our family. I have been overcome with tears most of the day. I am scared, anxious, excited, nervous, and every other emotion under the sun. I do not want to have surgery but I know that's out of my hands. I am torn between relishing in the last "peaceful" 36 hours and frantically trying to squeeze in anything and everything that needs to be done and time with our girls all alone before their lives are disrupted.

I'm overcome with guilt which is my very own issue and one that I've always struggled with. Lilly is showing signs of anxiety over the boys' arrival and Ella will definitely have a hard time with my absence. Their lives are moving along so smoothly and happily and I feel like I'm throwing a dagger right into their calm. I know in time they will love having a large family but for now they're little and this will be a big change.
I wish I could stop obsessing and worrying.

I have never been a fan of the unknown. I don't know anything about having surgery. I don't want to leave my girls. I don't want to stay in the hospital. I don't want to be in pain. I don't know how we'll juggle the weekend or how our girls will handle the events. I'm scared of having two babies and I'm scared of the weeks ahead and how I'll manage it all.

But in 36 hours, whether I'm ready or not, we're having two more babies who I know will bring immense joy and love into our already very happy family.

I also know in the days ahead I will be lifted of the pain I've been experiencing and will start to feel like myself again.

We will keep everyone posted with the arrivals on Friday morning. Any prayers you can spare would be greatly appreciated!