At it Again

Well... we did it again. Day 4 of preschool from hell. Drop-off was a scene out of a movie - you know the one where they pull the screaming child off the crying mother? It started at home, "Where we going Mommy?" I said, "We're going to school!" and she started in with, "I don't want to go to fool... Please Mommy no fool" etc. When we pulled in the parking lot she got very upset and didn't want to go in. I kept smiling and in we went. At the classroom she started chewing on her backpack strap and begging me to take her home. I kept my smile and my chipper attitude and told her it would be so much fun and that I loved her and would be back. Then they unclamped her from my big belly and took her in as I walked away... still smiling. She was screaming so loud as I left and crying frantically. Total panic... I ducked into a dark classroom that is not used and found a box of tissues and hid in there and cried until I heard her calm down. Then I got myself together and left the church. Here's how she looked this morning before she knew we were going to school!

I went grocery shopping and then home to put the groceries away and clean up. I spent the whole 3 hours worrying and sad. It's really horrible! I just wanted to know if she was ok. When I went to pick her up the director stopped me and said, "How was she at drop-off?" and I told her and then she said, "Well I checked on her and there were no tears and she had a great time!" This was encouraging but I wanted to see for myself. I went down to pick her up and she was sitting in a circle with a homemade crown on that said, "I am special" and looked just fine. They opened the door and she lept up to meet me telling me, "I played with toys! I played outside!" and she was happy! I felt so much better (but this emotional rollercoaster is killing me).

We headed home and ate lunch and made Halloween cookies. She was happy and in good spirits. So I guess this just bought her another day of school (I was pulling her after this morning's episode).

When I changed her diaper before her nap this is what I found on her leg...
I'm sure it's just bug bites but of course I started wondering if it was Chicken Pox or an allergic reaction. I had no clue what she ate for snack at school (they provide snack) and so psycho mom called the school to let them know and check on what they ate... I am that parent! The crazy ass parent... But I will say my very smart principal husband told me to call saying he would want to know if it happened in his building...

Tomorrow's another day. No plans other than spending time with Lilly and enjoying every single second of it.

Tomorrow

I want to pull Lilly out of preschool. Every time I think about it I cry and cry and cry. Maybe I'm totally hormonal and emotional but I really just want her home. And the thought of hearing her scream, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME MOMMA!" makes me sick.

It's the Little Things

I couldn't take it anymore. I have carried the same diaper bag since the day Lilly was born. I made it at a Viv Pickle party. You pick the fabric, bag, design, etc. I liked it and I carried it for 939 days in a row. It became tattered, worn, and the pockets on the inside tore apart creating one sagging uni-pocket. It felt like I was carrying a rag. I have had my eye out for a new diaper bag for quite some time. I never found anything I loved so I kept carrying the rag.

Tonight Lilly and I had a date night and went to Pizza Hut for dinner then to the Dollar Tree and Buy Buy Baby (exciting, eh?). Andy was at a party that I couldn't attend because we didn't have a babysitter so I tried to make the best out of the evening. Lilly wanted to take a Minnie Mouse sippy cup that doesn't have a stopper on the inside so liquid just pours out of the spout. We took it to Pizza Hut empty and I had milk in a good sippy cup. After Pizza Hut she put the Minnie cup in my bag with milk in it (I thought the milk was gone). It poured out all in the bag. The bag is so shredded that it has a hole in the bottom and the milk was pouring out of the hole and down my leg. That was my breaking point. We went to Buy Buy Baby (the BEST baby store) and I found a diaper bag (that I do not find attractive) on clearance for $19.99 and then an additional 30% off. I bought it out of desperation.

I came home and swapped bags and trashed the rag!!!

And I will gladly carry this bag that does not have holes and is sturdy and clean! Yay! And yes, doesn't it just say "I'M A DIAPER BAG" all over it?!

Beautiful Day

Today Lilly had her little friend Lindsey over for "sticky bums." Lindsey lives down the street and is the youngest of 4 girls and she and Lilly are only a month apart. Her mom is also Kristen and they're a very very nice family. It's been nice to have another mom to chat with and who has a daughter since all of Lilly's friends were boys! After they ate their "sticky bums" they played dress-up, danced, played with babies, and played outside. Today is a gorgeous day - in the 60's and crisp with a blue sky. Perfect.



Yesterday (and today) we had carpet installed up our stairs and down our hallway. I couldn't take the creaking any longer. With baby #2 arriving soon I figured it was a good time to end the creaking. It's piercing and one step on the wrong piece of wood will have you sitting straight up in bed with your heart pounding. So it's done and I'm pleased.

It will take some getting used to! I'm so used to the look of hardwood but it is nice to be able to vacuum and see that it's clean! It will also be softer on baby knees.

Lilly Grayce in Pictures

Second Day of Preschool

Somebody send me some drugs. I am going to need a therapist for all of this excitement in my life. Today was day 2 of preschool. Lilly seemed ready. We'd talked about school. She was excited about school. She got dressed eagerly. She ate all her breakfast. She grabbed her backpack. We headed to the church...

We parked in the parking spot and she said, "I don't wanna go to fool." I said, "Ok then you don't have to" and I put the key back in the ignition (I know I know but I couldn't hear that and drag her out!). Then she said, "Nooo Mommy, I go to fool!!" so I said, "GREAT! It will be so much fun!" as my stomach was churning and aching. We got out of the car and walked inside. She was happy and smiling. We got to the classroom door and she said, "I wanna go home Mommy. I don't wanna go to fool." Oh gosh, my worst nightmare. So I start talking about all the toys and fun things she did on Monday. Now she's trying to hide behind me announcing more emphatically, "I GO HOME. I DON'T WANNA GO TO FOOL."

So I decide hell with the teachers I'm crossing the threshold (God forbid you walk into the classroom with your child - bad bad bad) and I went inside and over to the play kitchen. Lilly became happy. She said, "You stay and play with me at fool Mommy." I explained that I'd play for a minute but Mommies aren't allowed and I'd have to go but would be in the church waiting for her (lie). After playing for a minute (literally) I started to walk away and she FREAKED OUT screaming at the top of her lungs and sobbing, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME MOMMA! I WANNA GO HOME! I DON'T WANNA GO TO FOOL!"

Ok, I don't know how other mothers do this. This is horrible. How can I look at my hysterical child who is begging me not to leave her and walk away? Isn't that illegal or something? Aren't there laws against this type of abandonment? I'm thinking to myself, "I'll just homeschool her. There is no need to ever leave her. I'll get her therapy for any social issues that might arise..."

The teacher looked at me and I looked back and she gave me the nod... The get the hell out of here NOW nod and I said, "I love you and you'll have a great time!" and walked out. I WALKED OUT ON MY HYSTERICAL CHILD!!! Just writing this makes me sick. As I walked down the hall I could hear her screaming and crying. She was not just upset she was angry and she was yelling, "NO NO NO" to the sweet teacher (Ms. Susan) that was trying to comfort her. I am also sure she was throwing punches to get away from her. Ugly ugly scene.

I was calm. I think I was in shock. I wasn't crying but I didn't know what to do. I stood at the end of the hall until I heard the screaming stop. Then I just stood perfectly still thinking a thousand thoughts of abandonment until I decided I'd wait a few minutes and then have the director go check on her (while thinking I must send them a fruit basket or something). I saw Heather (the director) and she asked me how it went. I told her. She went to the classroom and checked and reported back that Lilly was playing with the tool bench and was not crying (of course I'm thinking she was beating the crap out of the teacher so they directed her to the tool bench...). So I left.

I left! I left my child for 3 hours. The entire 3 hours I second-guessed why I'm doing this in the first place. She's 2 years old. Why am I torturing her? I decided the best therapy would be Target. I'd go into Target and buy her a toy. This would make me feel better now and would make her feel better later. Of course I came to my senses and did not buy her a toy. Instead I walked aimlessly around Target feeling completely empty inside and very lonely. This didn't help my state of mind so I went home and spent 2 hours cleaning. In complete silence. Alone with my thoughts.

At noon I picked Lilly up. She greeted me with a huge hug and a smile while yelling, "MOMMY!" I was thrilled to hear that she did not cry for 3 hours (or at all). She was happy and seemed to have a good time. However, she did not want to discuss much about school, she didn't want to eat lunch ("I sleepy"), and she did say, "I no go to fool Mommy." So I guess I'll have to see what next Monday brings but at least I have 4 days to spend with Lilly and not worry about it.

First Official Day of Preschool

Well the day finally arrived - little did I know how very hard it would be... FOR ME. Oh my gosh I'm really hoping that my hormones are really out of whack because if they're not I have a problem. I thought I was fine - I was a total mess! Worse than Friday (though Andy wasn't with me today so I had no moral support!). Lilly seemed happy to go. We'd talked to her a little bit over the weekend. We told her she could help some of the other kids if they were upset and that she'd have so much fun with new friends and new toys. She was pulling me out of the house 10 minutes early!



She walked right down to her classroom (and I was still fine at this point with a minor stomach ache).
Posed for a picture with "Bear Bear" before heading into her class.
She started to get a little clingy and was hesitant when it was her turn to go into the classroom. They sure as heck weren't letting any parents into the room. The teacher was squatting down at the door welcoming the kids and giving them a name tag. Their bears got name tags too. Lilly went between my legs for a minute but I reminded her of the baby dolls and the kitchen she could play with and after a little coaxing from the teachers and myself she went in and I left (they shoo you away quickly). Then I had to b-line it to the bathroom where I could sob my eyes out. What the hell is wrong with me!? I tried to get myself together - my eyes weren't red - and then headed out to the "Boo Hoo Breakfast" they had set up for all the parents.

I was eyeing the food and feeling a tad funny not knowing anyone when one of Andy's friends and husband approached me and asked how I was doing... That's all it took. Started crying again and this time I knew it would be hard to stop. Felt like a total fool and was really humiliated. Other moms were looking, the director of the school came over, etc. Ugh. I tried, I really tried to be a big girl! I just kept picturing Lilly and then would well up. I smiled and said all the right things even making jokes about my emotions but inside I was totally torn apart. THREE HOURS felt like an eternity.

After an hour at the breakfast I asked the director (she had told me to do this) if she could check on Lilly before I left. She's so nice. She went down and told me they were outside and Lilly was having a ball. She took me into an empty dark room where we could watch her play from a window. But Lilly wasn't there. I could tell the director was a little nervous (for me) because she kept saying, "Maybe she's in a car" etc. But the head teacher wasn't there either (Ms. Donna). Great. So the director told me to hold on. She came back and said Lilly was fine but told Ms. Donna about a microscopic boo-boo she had on her toe and was getting a band-aid. Lilly hates band-aids. She screamed for 20 minutes last night (bloody murder) because we tried to put a bandaid on her knee. I told the director she hates bandaids and she said, "She is asking for one." So be it...

I decided I better leave before they totally think I'm the most neurotic parent on the planet. I got in my car with nowhere to go and 2 hours to kill. Talked to a great friend on her daughter's first day and then headed home.

I couldn't wait to pick her up. Walked down to the classroom with the herd of parents. Heard each child in Lilly's class cry when they saw their parents. I braced myself for the worst. Lilly saw me and fake cried and I celebrated how much fun she had and she was fine! The teacher said she was very good, never cried, asked for me a few times, but was alright. She also said Lilly cheered on all the kids and was rubbing kid's backs that were sad. That made me feel good.

So the day went well! Better than I expected (on Lilly's end). I'm hoping Wednesday will be much much easier on me.