We parked in the parking spot and she said, "I don't wanna go to fool." I said, "Ok then you don't have to" and I put the key back in the ignition (I know I know but I couldn't hear that and drag her out!). Then she said, "Nooo Mommy, I go to fool!!" so I said, "GREAT! It will be so much fun!" as my stomach was churning and aching. We got out of the car and walked inside. She was happy and smiling. We got to the classroom door and she said, "I wanna go home Mommy. I don't wanna go to fool." Oh gosh, my worst nightmare. So I start talking about all the toys and fun things she did on Monday. Now she's trying to hide behind me announcing more emphatically, "I GO HOME. I DON'T WANNA GO TO FOOL." So I decide hell with the teachers I'm crossing the threshold (God forbid you walk into the classroom with your child - bad bad bad) and I went inside and over to the play kitchen. Lilly became happy. She said, "You stay and play with me at fool Mommy." I explained that I'd play for a minute but Mommies aren't allowed and I'd have to go but would be in the church waiting for her (lie). After playing for a minute (literally) I started to walk away and she FREAKED OUT screaming at the top of her lungs and sobbing, "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME MOMMA! I WANNA GO HOME! I DON'T WANNA GO TO FOOL!"
Ok, I don't know how other mothers do this. This is horrible. How can I look at my hysterical child who is begging me not to leave her and walk away? Isn't that illegal or something? Aren't there laws against this type of abandonment? I'm thinking to myself, "I'll just homeschool her. There is no need to ever leave her. I'll get her therapy for any social issues that might arise..."
The teacher looked at me and I looked back and she gave me the nod... The get the hell out of here NOW nod and I said, "I love you and you'll have a great time!" and walked out. I WALKED OUT ON MY HYSTERICAL CHILD!!! Just writing this makes me sick. As I walked down the hall I could hear her screaming and crying. She was not just upset she was angry and she was yelling, "NO NO NO" to the sweet teacher (Ms. Susan) that was trying to comfort her. I am also sure she was throwing punches to get away from her. Ugly ugly scene.
I was calm. I think I was in shock. I wasn't crying but I didn't know what to do. I stood at the end of the hall until I heard the screaming stop. Then I just stood perfectly still thinking a thousand thoughts of abandonment until I decided I'd wait a few minutes and then have the director go check on her (while thinking I must send them a fruit basket or something). I saw Heather (the director) and she asked me how it went. I told her. She went to the classroom and checked and reported back that Lilly was playing with the tool bench and was not crying (of course I'm thinking she was beating the crap out of the teacher so they directed her to the tool bench...). So I left.
I left! I left my child for 3 hours. The entire 3 hours I second-guessed why I'm doing this in the first place. She's 2 years old. Why am I torturing her? I decided the best therapy would be Target. I'd go into Target and buy her a toy. This would make me feel better now and would make her feel better later. Of course I came to my senses and did not buy her a toy. Instead I walked aimlessly around Target feeling completely empty inside and very lonely. This didn't help my state of mind so I went home and spent 2 hours cleaning. In complete silence. Alone with my thoughts.
At noon I picked Lilly up. She greeted me with a huge hug and a smile while yelling, "MOMMY!" I was thrilled to hear that she did not cry for 3 hours (or at all). She was happy and seemed to have a good time. However, she did not want to discuss much about school, she didn't want to eat lunch ("I sleepy"), and she did say, "I no go to fool Mommy." So I guess I'll have to see what next Monday brings but at least I have 4 days to spend with Lilly and not worry about it.
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