Yesterday I hit a low. I hesitate sharing real feelings like this on my blog but one day I hope our girls will look back at the blog as a glimpse into their childhood and I want them to know that life is not always hunky dory. There are days that are wonderful and days that are tough. It's real life and as Andy said to me last night, "It's reality."
Yesterday morning I woke up in a funk. I didn't feel well physically or mentally. I was tired of feeling sick, I had developed a head cold, and I didn't want to parent. I laid in bed for an hour fighting the feelings and hoping they'd disappear. They didn't. In fact, they got worse. I calculated how many more years I'd be home going through the grind and oftentimes the monotony of my days. I envisioned preschool drop-offs (with 4 small kids) and preschool pickups. I envisioned doctor's appointments (with 4 small kids) and hours of playing and entertaining. I thought of keeping the house clean, grocery shopping, and lack of sleep.
I took a shower and tried to pull myself out of the slump. It didn't help. My head was pounding, my ear was clogged, I was completely exhausted, and I was depressed. I asked my friend Kristen to take Lilly to school for me (usually I'd have horrible guilt over not taking her). I went through the motions of a grocery shop and a doctor's appointment. I felt out of control as I'd never experienced these feelings before; not to this degree.
All day I watched the clock. I willed the time to pass and for bedtime to arrive. I knew Andy was working late and there was no break in sight. We made pizza for dinner and we worked on writing letters. We listened to music and read books. I was still wishing the day away. I dreamed up a great escape and I didn't want to be found.
Bedtime came. I read to the girls, tucked them in, and kissed them goodnight. Then, I laid on my bed and sobbed. I cried until I was out of tears. I didn't know why I was crying... fear, worry, feeling ill, exhaustion, stress. After I finished crying I checked my email and there was an email from Sherry. I responded telling her about my day. I even told her that I wished the day away and didn't want tomorrow to come if it would be the same. She wrote me back telling me it was normal and she too had been there herself. She also said "it always gets better." It really validated my feelings and eased some of my guilt. I read and reread her email 4 times. Then I said a prayer and went to bed.
I woke at 1 a.m. to feed Ella. I didn't feel better and once again dread set in for morning to come. I went back to sleep and when Lilly woke me at 6 a.m. I kissed her, rubbed her back, and sent her to watch TV with Daddy. Then I rolled over, took a nausea pill, and looked at my cell phone. I glanced at the junk emails that had arrived overnight and noticed an email from my friend Stephanie Sharlet.
Stephanie wrote, "Really beautiful, watch when you have a few minutes of quiet--ha!" It was a YouTube video titled, "The Gift of an Ordinary Day." I laid in the pitch black of the bedroom, clutching my Blackberry in my hands, and watched the video.
Yesterday morning I woke up in a funk. I didn't feel well physically or mentally. I was tired of feeling sick, I had developed a head cold, and I didn't want to parent. I laid in bed for an hour fighting the feelings and hoping they'd disappear. They didn't. In fact, they got worse. I calculated how many more years I'd be home going through the grind and oftentimes the monotony of my days. I envisioned preschool drop-offs (with 4 small kids) and preschool pickups. I envisioned doctor's appointments (with 4 small kids) and hours of playing and entertaining. I thought of keeping the house clean, grocery shopping, and lack of sleep.
I took a shower and tried to pull myself out of the slump. It didn't help. My head was pounding, my ear was clogged, I was completely exhausted, and I was depressed. I asked my friend Kristen to take Lilly to school for me (usually I'd have horrible guilt over not taking her). I went through the motions of a grocery shop and a doctor's appointment. I felt out of control as I'd never experienced these feelings before; not to this degree.
All day I watched the clock. I willed the time to pass and for bedtime to arrive. I knew Andy was working late and there was no break in sight. We made pizza for dinner and we worked on writing letters. We listened to music and read books. I was still wishing the day away. I dreamed up a great escape and I didn't want to be found.
Bedtime came. I read to the girls, tucked them in, and kissed them goodnight. Then, I laid on my bed and sobbed. I cried until I was out of tears. I didn't know why I was crying... fear, worry, feeling ill, exhaustion, stress. After I finished crying I checked my email and there was an email from Sherry. I responded telling her about my day. I even told her that I wished the day away and didn't want tomorrow to come if it would be the same. She wrote me back telling me it was normal and she too had been there herself. She also said "it always gets better." It really validated my feelings and eased some of my guilt. I read and reread her email 4 times. Then I said a prayer and went to bed.
I woke at 1 a.m. to feed Ella. I didn't feel better and once again dread set in for morning to come. I went back to sleep and when Lilly woke me at 6 a.m. I kissed her, rubbed her back, and sent her to watch TV with Daddy. Then I rolled over, took a nausea pill, and looked at my cell phone. I glanced at the junk emails that had arrived overnight and noticed an email from my friend Stephanie Sharlet.
Stephanie wrote, "Really beautiful, watch when you have a few minutes of quiet--ha!" It was a YouTube video titled, "The Gift of an Ordinary Day." I laid in the pitch black of the bedroom, clutching my Blackberry in my hands, and watched the video.
I cried. I was in disbelief though I knew that God had worked a miracle through Stephanie and her timing. I immediately jumped out of bed and have been enjoying an amazing day since. Everything has gone perfectly today. It's been busy, I've loved being with my girls, we made Valentine crafts, ate lunch together, went to a doctor's appointment, and I even enjoyed preschool drop-off and pick-up. I'm so thankful to be myself today but I will not lose sight of the feelings I had yesterday. I'm grateful that I experienced that low and grateful I came out of it.
I never questioned my love for my family. I questioned my stability and my future and I still do have fear for what's to come with our new additions. But I know that God is in control and that I am human and will have good days and not-so-good days. And I know that I will be alright.
I never questioned my love for my family. I questioned my stability and my future and I still do have fear for what's to come with our new additions. But I know that God is in control and that I am human and will have good days and not-so-good days. And I know that I will be alright.
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