Guilt

Took Lilly back to Kidz Korner today and I went and got a pedicure. I can't describe the guilt. I think I must secretly judge moms that drop their kids off and go do glamorous things because suddenly I felt like one of "them" and I couldn't shake it. I called my sidekick Krissy and shared how I was feeling and as usual she brought me back to reality and reminded me that I'm doing this FOR Lilly and that ultimately it's GOOD for her. She also reminded me that in September I will be dropping Lilly off 2 days a week for 3 hours each time and that this will prepare her for that - thanks Krissy!

I have struggled with guilt ever since Lilly was born. I mean intense guilt over really crazy things. When she was a couple days old I would sit watching her in the swing and have to go pick her up out of the swing because I felt so guilty that she was miserable (she was not giving me any reason to believe this). I used to say to Andy, "Do you think she's upset that she was born into this family?" and of course he thought I was nuts. For the first few months (well maybe 6 or so) I didn't want to leave the house because I felt horrible guilt putting her in the car seat so I compromised and would only allow myself 1 errand a day. I never let her cry... guilt. I kept her in the bassinet next to me for 6 months because of the guilt of putting her in her bedroom all alone. I obviously have not left her much... guilt. I cannot take away her binky for the guilt and I could go on and on and on.

So the moral of this story is - it's very hard for me to leave her at Kidz Korner but I'm fighting the guilt and hoping I'm doing the right thing for Lilly even though it feels wrong to me.

And of course she was totally happy there telling me "bye bye" and giving me a kiss. They said she colored, played with toys, ate snack and was perfect and delightful and adorable. They love her. When I picked her up she didn't see me for a few minutes so I spoke to the director in her office about payment, etc. and then I said, "Hey Lilly!" and she looked up and broke into hysterics when she saw me sobbing, "I missed you Mommy!" She does this. I don't know why. I know she was happy while she was there.

So where the guilt comes from I'll never know but I'm doing my best and learning as I go. I think I have learned many things through this parenting journey that will help me be a little less guilty with baby #2.