Blog Venting

I use this blog as a place to document our days as my children grow up. I hope that one day they will be able to go back and read about their childhood through the eyes of their mother. I write about the struggles I have but also about the joys. Sometimes after I write a heartfelt entry like I did today I worry that my readers (and one day girls) will think I don't love being a mom or that I don't love every inch of each of my girls. That's the furthest from the truth. I'm so in love with Lilly and Ella that I sometimes find I define myself completely by their actions (particularly Lilly since Ella's not doing much yet). It's something I've worked very hard at letting go of... the guilt... the judgments... And I think I've come a very long way in putting what others think to rest.

Does how my child looks in public really matter? Do I sometimes try to find my self-worth in how Lilly behaves and looks? Do I unnecessarily impose mother's guilt upon myself? Is this just another way of trying to control things in my life? Am I afraid of having that child?

You know that child, don't you? That one with shoes on the wrong feet, snarly hair and ketchup on her shirt who's not quite potty trained but really should be and has a binky long after others feel she should? The one who embarrasses us in the grocery store? The one whose behavior is sometimes less than adorable? The one who we think makes us look like bad parents because of their misbehavior? The one who isn't perfect? It's been a constant inner-struggle but I'm coming to grips with the fact that it doesn't display bad things about me as a mother when my child acts like a child.

So when you read my frustrations of mothering on my blog please understand that it's just that. It's simply a frustration just like we all experience in our "jobs" and while I share stories of rough days I whole-heartedly embrace, love, and appreciate the fact that I get to be home to raise my girls. And I love, love, love them to the very inner depths of my soul.